Baby Bottle Riot in Bangor Maine
“Would you like to go to the baby bottle riot with me?” pregnant Chaya asked, as she slapped on some body armor made from halved PVC piping, the guts of old car seat cusions, and lots of duct tape.
I watched in indecision as she threw on a black hooded sweatshirt over her well armored body and masked up her face with a black bandana. She then reached for her sling shot and a sack of ball bearings and was ready to riot.
“Don’t forget your tear gas goggles,” I called out to her.
It had been a long time since I had been in a riot. In the days of my youth, I could riot with the best of them; now, as a grown man, I had doubts as to whether I could withstand the barrage of tear gas, stampeding police horses, and the wildly swinging batons of riot cops.
But not wanting my pregnant fiance to go into battle alone, I dug out my own dusty riot gear and re-clad myself in black. I looked at myself in the mirror before walking out the door, and thought for a second that I may still possess a hint of my youthful rage.
Standing up again to fight injustice
We arrived at the pre-designated location of the riot, and found our twenty foot blow up baby bottle towering into the sky — a standing testament to the riotousness of our mission. The organizers for this confrontation had obviously chosen the location wisely, as it was a safe distance outside of the pedestrian areas of the city. We would not want any innocent bystanders getting hurt. We also did not want the general public seeing our violent rage first hand; for the people of Bangor to find out about this confrontation the next day in the newspaper was good enough for us.
Cars drove by without looking our way, and the ones who did probably just thought that we were doing some benign business promotion for a baby food company. These people obviously did not know what they were in for. They did not know that we were rioters. Our plan was to stick it to the makers of BPA containing plastic products and, while we were at it, The Man.
Well . . . as soon as the TV news stations and newspaper reporters showed up.
So we stood around in waiting, our direct actions becoming more and more refined by the moment. The plan: wait for the media, and then riot.
At the sight of the first news camera, we called a emergency consensus meeting and distributed our secret weapons around to everyone. Now armed with signs that said “Safe Products: good for families” we huddled together in front of the giant blow up baby bottle.
The news cameramen then film us in action. Some of us smiled for the cameras, others waved, and our leaders grappled with the great beasts of oppression head on, and offered up sound bytes to the salivating reporters.
A reporter from the Bangor Daily News in a long white dress suddenly infiltrated our ranks, and began extracting statements from my fellow rioters. We tried to lock arms, we tried to stand together in unity, but the power of the white clad news reporter was far too much for our black bloc formation. We buckled under the pressure, as the reporter cut through our ranks and began interrogating my comrades. I could only watch in fear as my brothers buckled under the heavy hand of the Bangor Daily, and spoke the secrets behind the Maine Baby Bottle Alliance.
We were quickly divided and conquered.
The TV news crew and the Bangor Daily hit squad then exited the riot zone without a scratch. We laid down our arms, our signs were collected in a small pile. Regrouping around the 20 foot baby bottle, we counted heads. Everyone made it out of the battle alive.
As we stood together in the media’s wake, we knew that there was no reason to continue the riot: we got on the TV news, we would be in tomorrow’s paper. We stripped off our riot gear, deflated the baby bottle, and went home. The entire confrontation was over within a half hour.
It was a job well done for all the brave freedom fighters of Bangor, and the Maine Baby Bottle Alliance goes on to riot another day.
Definition of a media hoax: “A media prank is a type of media event, perpetrated by staged speeches, activities, or press releases . . .”
Rioters preparing for confrontation in Bangor
Rioter being feasted upon by the media, he fended off the attack with sound bytes
Notice that the riot was facing the news cameras head on with its back to the public — we took measures to not attract the attention of any innocent bystanders
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Baby Bottle Riot in Bangor Maine