Time after time I’ve found myself sitting around a big banquette table in a restaurant with Chinese men and women eating a large meal. Time after time the women controlled the conversation: they talked among each other, made jokes, giggled, asked me funny questions, told stories, and carried on discussions. All the while the men sat as [...]
Time after time I’ve found myself sitting around a big banquette table in a restaurant with Chinese men and women eating a large meal. Time after time the women controlled the conversation: they talked among each other, made jokes, giggled, asked me funny questions, told stories, and carried on discussions. All the while the men sat as silent as stones, staring straight ahead, and looking dead bored. If I asked them a question they would generally answer quickly and then shut up again or one of their female companions would take on their conversational burden.
“Chinese people like men who don’t talk very much,” a Chinese woman explained to me. I nodded my head while she added to her statement: “Men will talk a lot if they are with other men, but they talk about big things like politics or how to make money or about male friendship. They don’t talk about little things like shopping like women do.”
But if alcohol is on the table the bunch of otherwise bored looking men all of a sudden become boisterous and gregarious. The tables shift, and the meeting becomes a man’s affair. One could say that Chinese men need a little booze to loosen them up, but I think it’s deeper than this: the presence of alcohol turns the situation masculine, and the men take the lead.
My friend’s statement about males gravitating towards talking about “big issues” was correct. They do. Well, right after they finish talking about basketball.
“Do you think Taiwan is a part of China?” I’m often asked almost before a new male acquaintance gets my name.
“Taiwan use to be a part of China but now it’s not, and there’s nothing you can do about it,” is usually how I respond.
“I think the Chinese government is acting too weak,” is a common follow up.
“You can’t fight the USA,” I usually respond, knowing where the conversation is going, “they owe you too much money. A war would be stupid.”
“Well, not now, but maybe someday . . .”
Sometimes it is a relief to talk with women about shopping.
It is obvious in China that there is are very strictly followed social protocols for most all situations, and, depending on circumstance, the Chinese act very differently depending on what sex they are. Gender lines and roles are very well drawn in this country.
“My husband doesn’t talk to me, he doesn’t care what I have to say because I am a woman,” my friend continue. “Chinese men don’t listen to women.”
I then asked her to describe for me the typical Chinese male character.
“Men should make the money for the family, they should have good jobs, and be successful,” she replied as though it were a matter of fact.
“What about women?” I asked.
“Chinese women should be thin, have light skin, and black hair. Men like women who listen to what they say, who are obedient, and who don’t disagree with them. They also don’t like it if we call them on the phone asking a lot of questions like, ‘What are you doing? When are you going to be home? Is your business meeting with a man or woman? Did you touch each other?”
The last statement made her giggle shyly.
There are very tight stereotypes of what defines the sexes in China, but rather than rejecting or trying to disprove them as we are prone to doing in the West the Chinese often try their hardest to live up to them — or at least have everyone around them believe they do.
It would be an understatement to say that the social eye reigns supreme in China: people see themselves how they think their society sees them. There is a protocol of behavior that is followed to the hilt, and transgressions are met with ridicule, gossip, and a loss of face. It is my impression that there are few things worse than being atypical or unique in Chinese society. If you’re male you act as men are suppose to act; if you’re female, you fall into your gender fold.
There seems to be few grey areas for behavior in this society. Everything is laid out, the rules are easy to read, your parents and grandparents tell you what to do, all you need to do is follow along and everything will be alright. Though social and professional life in China is clearly in the modern age, family life seems to be the dominant influence here, and it tends to be rather traditional and conservative. The new generation is directly molded by the one that proceeded it, and tradition rolls on. If you lose your way someone will tell you where to go. A spade is called a spade and encouraged to act like a spade, regardless if it wants to or not.
There is perhaps a reason why the idea of fate is so strong here.
“Are you a typical Chinese woman?” I asked my friend.
“Yes, of course,” she replied.
By her own definitions, she was one of the most atypical Chinese women that I have ever met. In private with me she has spoken boldly about politics, raged about elements of her culture, and I could tell by how she explained the gender breakdown of China that she wasn’t quite thrilled with it. This has been a repeated pattern throughout my time in China: people speak in terms of black and white, but their real feelings are various shades of grey. All too often I’ve sat in a room alone with a Chinese person out of earshot of their family and peers and have found them to be rather revolutionary people. This is perhaps a country of closet anarchists. I’m an American, and I must view this as a positive phenomenon, for if Chinese people really were as they say they are this country would be full of obedient, serious, soulless, and uncreative robots. It’s the way it seems on the surface, but deep down there is something more that is churning.
But Chinese society, though extremely repressive and suffocating, remains incredibly strong. I know that wherever I go among the Han population of this country and observe gender roles — or societal roles in general — I will see virtually the same exact patterns over and over again. This is a culture that’s pretty much still on the same page, the generational gap here is far tighter than it is in many other newly developed countries.
At least the people here know who they are and how they should act.
There are well defined parameters for behavior for each gender in China, and the people seem far too pragmatic and/ or fearful of the consequences to bother with much culture jamming or rebellion. But alternatives to these preset gender based characters are rarely truly viable. To go against the character lines that are set out for you here seems to be a sure shot way to lose status at best, to be ostracized at worst.
Though it has been reported that Chinese society is becoming more tolerant in regards to nontraditional gender roles, as trans-gender/ homosexual/ lesbian identities become more visible throughout the country. But tolerance and acceptance are two different phenomenon. Chinese people tend to be amazingly tolerant of people who are outside of their home and personal social circles, but inside these circles the pressure to conform is still great. It has been reported that 80% of gay Chinese men still marry women and live the social life of a heterosexual, often due to family pressure. The Chinese have an amazing live and let live outlook, just so what they are letting live does not do so within the walls of their own home.
What is culture but a protocol of behavior? Live your role or face the consequences. Acculturation is not a pretty thing in this aspect, there is nothing romantic about it; culture is restrictive, often repressive, and full of rules designed to transform a unique individual into a social entity. Mao perhaps defined the mechanisms of cultural cohesion best when he said, “The nail that sticks up gets pounded back in.”