Strange animal noises coming from deep inside an unspecified hotel room can clear out a noisy hallway in a matter of moments. It is true, if you are prevented from sleeping at night by the unquiet tidings of some spry couple engaging in the initial tidings courtship in the hallway outside your room, just bellow out the bleat of a goat and they will disperse within moments. Then you will be able to sleep out the night in peace.
I am not joking. This works.
Last night Mira and I were laying in out bed in a hotel in Antigua when an English couple decided that the hallway that lead to our door was the perfect place for their conversational courtship. They spoke in that drawn out, exaggerated accent of the English upper-classes that I assume is surely faked.
I could be wrong, but I think they were wankers.
“There is nowhere left in the world that is not commercialized,” spoke the male wanker right into the window of my room. I think he was trying to impress the female, who seemed to be just as much of a wanker as he, with his worldly knowledge.
“Oh, yes, so true” she said. The conversation got worse from here.
“GO HOME!” I roared in thought.
“Wade, make them go away!” Mira ordered.
Being of a slightly non-confrontational disposition, I countered with a suggestion of just making loud sex noises to make them feel uncomfortable. Mira agreed.
We began grunting (amidst laugher) and our sex noises soon turned into the nays, bleats, moos, and barks of our animal brethren.
The wankers seemed to realize that their courtship could not continue in this barn-yard setting, and they soon dispersed to impress each other elsewhere. And Mira and I, finding that animal noises can be fun, kept on bleating and barking into the night.
Hopefully, for the sake of the auditory capacities of the future world, the English couple did not score. As I am sure that their contrived sounding, boarding school, over-the-top, Jane Eyre, upper class, put-on, extravagant English accents should not be passed on to subsequent generations. I “moo” my protest in the name of the ears (and nerves) of future humanity!
Gee, I wonder if Ubertramp talks like this. For some reason, I doubt it.
Disclaimer: I met the English couple the following day and they are not half bad. But this does not morally prevent me from making a joke on their behalf.